Flash back to the year 2011, in the late fall or maybe it was winter, I cannot really recall the exact time. Most people who are faced with difficult life changing events tend to block out the ill memory. Yes it was life changing for me, and hopefully will make me a better person.
I was told, I would be short selling my home, and saying good-bye to my family, friends and enjoyable job, to move to Seminary, in Dubuque, IA. Now I did not have a lot of options. I could not go, but I would still have to let the house go as my income could not come close to paying the mortgage and rest of the living expenses. I’d have to let go of my job too for the same reason. I would also have to divorce my husband of 22 years.
Did I contemplate divorce, yes. I would be lying if I said no. But really a divorce would be stupid because I was just mad. There never was a discussion on what was happening in Doug’s life and the reality of how it would affect the rest of the family. Keep in mind the kids and I were not the one “called” by God to serve in a pastoral position. I will never fully understand that call, as it is not mine.
So I know I can hear you saying “Kris, get over it. We have heard this all before. Why must we read this again?”
Good question. I’m just recapping, it’s my blog and I can write what I want. Seriously, now fast forward to 2015. We are in the final year of seminary and another move is evident no matter what. May 17th is graduation day. We cannot live in campus housing forever. Realistically I wouldn’t want to either. this isn’t exactly the house I would “pick” to live in.
Fortunately this move will not require me to sell anything, I’m renting. I also will not lose my job, as I have the option to continue working from home. No matter where home may be. I am also in better position to say, “I am ready to move.” The last move, I was not prepared for, nor did I want it. Will I miss some of the people I have gotten to know over the last 3 years? Yes, some will be very hard to say good-bye too. But I knew when we arrived this was temporary.
The evening of me writing this, I’m fully aware, tomorrow, 2/18/2015, my fate is being decided by someone else again and it’s not me. Although I had given my “pick” of locations, nothing is guaranteed. Bishops gathered around a table, read a piece of paper of who Doug is and decide where he would “fit” within the congregations. Realistically, this doesn’t seem fair. There maybe only one person in this meeting who really know’s Doug, yet they are deciding where we go, based on what is written about him.
The phrase “trust the process”, is getting old. The process is in place to make things go smoother, but they still involve people. I’m not sure there if there is any “Devine” intervention during this time. I don’t need people to keep telling me the same thing over and over! “it will work out”, “it’s not a death sentence”, “it’s only has to last 3-5 years”, and many other phrases along the way.
Okay, I may be acting selfish here, but after being the supporting one, it would be nice to have a little “thank you”, so to speak. So on the eve of regional assignments, as well as the day of, I have this request. I asked that you pray for me. Pray that I accept, that no matter where we are assigned it will “work out”. Pray that I have the strength to carry out the role I have been dealt, as a “supportive spouse”. Pray that my children will also be accepting of the decision, and know that we love them. Pray for the peace of the Lord to wash over me and carry me forward.
I don’t want to sound ungrateful, one of my “thank you’s” might actually be the fact that I can take my job with me. Maybe, it’s wrong to ask for one more “thank you”, but I am human and God will forgive me. I am not perfect, and I may get my every wish and still be disappointed. But if that were to happen, than I would humbly ask for forgiveness and try to move on.
So my sleep will be restless. My day will drag tomorrow until I return from work. After dinner I must decide if I will choose to celebrate, shed tears or even both who knows. As this announcement is only the first step. There is still synod assignments, and then finding that perfect call. After we reach all those steps, there is still housing requirements, and work requirement, actually packing up and moving on. So I ask you to also pray for our future and trust that in end “it will all work out.” I must also hold on to that one bible passage, that has brought me through some really tough times:
Jeremiah 29:11 New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Lastly, thank you to everyone who has held us in prayer or supported us in other ways. This journey would not be easy if I felt alone.