Tonight I’m feeling a little lost. Finances are getting tougher, I make little money, and right now I feel abandoned by God.
Harsh, I’m sure to say such things. But I feel like I’m being punished for all the bad things I’ve done in my life. I don’t think it’s the depression talking, although I’m not out of the woods there completely. Yet, I’m also amazed as I read the New Testament, at how even Jesus felt abandonment just before he died on the cross. He actually cries out, to his Father. “At three o’clock, Jesus cried out in a loud voice, ‘Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?’ which is translated, ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?’” (Mark 15:34; Matthew 27:46).
Even the night he was arrested, in the Garden of Gethsemane, two times Jesus’s prayed “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken away from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will'” (Matthew 26:39) and “He went away a second time and prayed, ‘My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done'” (Matt. 26:42). And even in Mark it’s written “‘Abba, Father,’ he said, ‘everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will” (Mark 14:36).
So in my mind if Jesus can feel lost, confused and even alone, it must be okay for me to feel that way too. After all I am only human, and so was Jesus.
Someone else told me once, or maybe I read it somewhere, that “even the teacher is silent during the test.” So is God testing us daily, weekly even monthly? Why is it we pray only when things are going wrong, but rarely do we give thanks. In fact, I noticed in these readings, also, that Jesus gives thanks to God before every meal. Do I remember to give thanks? I certainly complain a lot.
I tried to do lent readings last year, but I didn’t get much out of it. In fact it was almost a chore. This year I’m actually looking forward to my nightly readings. I’m learning things. I’m realizing that if Jesus hadn’t been born, or God didn’t become human or however that works, I couldn’t be here either. I couldn’t find my way, I’d be stumbling along with no end in site.
Well okay, I still stumble, I still have days I don’t know if I’ll ever make it. I even still try to make deals with God, but I am human. If I ask God to forgive me, he does willingly.
To quote a song by Jimmy Wayne:
“And he said, “Forgive me father,” when he realized
That he hadn’t been unloved or alone all his life
His arms were stretched out as far as they’d go
Nailed to the cross, for the whole world to know
I love you this much and I’m waiting on you
To make up your mind, do you love me too?
However long it takes I’m never giving up
No matter what, I love you this much.”
God loves us, Jesus is proof. So am I really alone?
To quote a song that K-Love so appropriately played one of the mornings during one of the most difficult weeks I had….
“‘Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise…”
Sometimes God will allow you to bend, but he won’t let you break…
You’re right, Kris. You are not alone. You know, when Jesus cried out “Eloi, Eloi…” he was quoting Psalm 22, but he wasn’t just thinking of those first words. Suppose I said to you the words “It’s a story, of a man named Brady.” What comes to your mind? Is it just those words? I bet not. I bet you’ve already remembered the rest of the song, the squares with all the pictures, the exploding volcano, “Marsha. Marsha. Marsha.” and a billion other images and words. Likewise, Jesus, and all who heard him (assuming some familiarity with scripture) would recall the entire Psalm. Including verse 25: “For he has not spurned or disdained the misery of this poor wretch, Did not turn away from me; but heard me when I cried out.” NAB
February 27 at 10:06pm