Family Dill Blog

All mixed up, Sorry this is a long blog………..

The latest bible parable I’m contemplating: Luke 15 11:32 (NIV)
The Parable of the Lost Son

11 Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.13 “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.17 “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father.“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.25 “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27 ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’28 “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29 But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’31 “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32 But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”

Wow, what a difference a few days can make. God has plans, that don’t always match my plans. I have to trust GOD is with us every step of the way.

This is very hard. When does helping, becoming enabling? In a past blog, I spoke about becoming an empty nester in August. Well surprise, I haven’t even made it to August yet, and my eldest returned home recently.

Of course I’m thrilled! I at least know where he is sleeping, the food he is eating, and if car problems are an issues, this city is small enough he can walk home or we can pick him up.

But, the down side, is the tension is high in the house again. You see my first born does come with baggage. Of course so does everyone else including me. My second and youngest child has her own baggage too. But his baggage is difficult to handle.

To give some background, but not looking for pity or to embarrass him, his life has been an exhausting challenge. Since birth, he has had four surgeries for various reasons. He’s highly intelligent, suffers from narcissism, and is AD/HD, with a splash of Asperger.

School was a fight, he barely graduated HS. He did enroll in college, but couldn’t get the energy to show up. So he eventually dropped out. He became isolated in is his room staying up all night and sleeping all day. He did eventually get a part time job. He later left the part time job for a full time one, only to lose it later due to absences.

He moved out at the end of December and floated between friends and his car. Maybe looking for a job, maybe not. He later tried to move in with a family member, but the circumstances were not right. Maybe that was a blessing in disguise. You see if that family member hadn’t said “no, not now”’ he may not have come home.

I think the only reason he came home, was he didn’t want to live in his car and the friends he was staying with no longer would allow him to stay there, because he didn’t have a job.

When I saw him on Mother’s day, we made an agreement that if he didn’t have a job by the end of the month, he would need to come home. This is tough for him. You see with all his baggage, he blames everyone but himself, and doesn’t like change.

We contacted a friend of his here in town, who worked very hard to get him an interview at the first job my son had. My son applied on line as directed, but didn’t go into see the manager until three days later, and I believe he only went, because I told him I would take him there. Which by the way, I had to wake him up to get him to go. Now we wait for the interview to be scheduled.

So here’s where the mixed emotions come into play. My helping could actually be hurting. He’s back to isolating himself in his room, and playing video games all day, maybe watching a movie here and there. He comes down to forge in the kitchen for food, but disappears again. He will do his own laundry, but little else without direction and constant nagging. Ugh! How do I get him to take responsibility, not just for himself, but for his life? He has alienated many in the family, who offered him food or small jobs, and he never showed. Yet here I am opening the door again, letting him walk through it.

I cannot let him be homeless, the guilt would kill me. So my door is opened for him. All I want for my kids is to have a good life, be able to live on their own successfully and happily. I want them to know I love them and will always be there for them.

However, I also want peace and harmony in our family life. I don’t want to be the middle man between family members and him. I’m not blind to him, or his actions. I know what he’s doing, I just am not sure the best way to “help” him succeed.

So, I’m all mixed up in emotions. I pray that GOD will provide guidance for all us. I ask and thank all of you who continue to pray for our family and for my son.

24” For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate”

To be or not to be a parent……that’s the question.

Dictionary on line defines the word parent “a father or mother, an ancestor, precursor, or progenitor, a source, origin, or cause, a protector or guardian.”

Ask any parent out there and you will most likely get a variety of answers. It all depends on the age, the time of day, just exactly how well their child or children have been behaving. Trust me when I say, if a mother has been chasing her child all day who just isn’t listening, and normal chores are not getting done, she will pretend said child or children do not exist. Dads are no different, they can have all the same problems that mom does. So why do we do this to ourselves? Over all most people want to be parents. Okay, yes there are some who are parents who didn’t want to be nor should they be. However, I’m talking about the people who wanted to be parents. By the way, I just want to add, just because you donate sperm, or eggs, doesn’t really mean you’re a parent.

Looking back, I never once gave it a second thought to become a parent. That’s what’s “expected”, the social norm. But who knew being a parent could be so rough? Being a parent is the only job I know that is thankless, frustrating, emotionally difficult, and yet so rewarding at that same time. Each child brings with them their own set of issues, problems and rewards

I’ve been told children really are a gift from GOD. Sometimes, I laugh and think, sure they are gifts, unfortunately they are not returnable for a newer, easier model. I use to think I wanted four or five kids, but in the end only had two. Some days I’m reminded that was really the best decision, while other times I wonder where we’d all be if I had more.

I don’t regret becoming a parent, although I regret some of the choices I have made. We all make mistakes, kids do not come with owner’s manuals, and rarely will the same thing work on all the children. What prompted this post, is having to make some very difficult decisions lately regarding my children. Decisions I hated, but know deep down is and was the right thing to do.

What I have to remind myself of constantly, is I have played my part. I will continue to support my children in the best possible manner, but I must also realize, I cannot change the outcome of what my children decided. No matter what, they are adults now and have to make their own path. I am only here to offer guidance when needed and support when necessary. I will never stop worrying about them, but I cannot hold myself accountable for their choices either. I can only hope that I have done what is right and that my children will see that in time. I am also hopeful my children know how much I love them, no matter what happens.

My door will always be open, but it’s my children’s choice to walk through that door or not.

I know this is repeating myself a little, but I realized recently I have made it through some very big life changes in a short time. I’m surprised how I have handled all these challenges. Okay yes, I did need to take a little white pill for a while, but hey who couldn’t use a little drug therapy.

Since Dec. 26, 2011, I have had the following major events: Dec. 2011; half the family moves to Dubuque, the other two moved in by March of 2012. I became pretty sick in March of 2012, plus started a new job. Yes I continued to work, during this time as my last job had no “sick” plan really. Well unless you count getting in trouble for calling in sick. Who cares who you infect.

Sorry “squirrel” as they say. Back on track. During the year of 2012 everyone had to make serious adjustment. This included going on food stamps, and using the food pantry on campus. The kids had to try and make new friends, which when your older can be trickier. However, we managed to make it through

Bring on the year of 2013! Doug completed his second year of Seminary and started his internship.

Internship, was something I was not truly prepared for, and because life wasn’t crazy enough, my job was turning into a nightmare job. This said job, I wouldn’t even wish upon my worst enemy. Oh and lets not discuss all the new medical issues that fell during all this time as well. Again off on another topic. Going back to my preparedness for internship or should I say lack thereof, I had no idea what to expect. I didn’t know if the people were friendly, or even what their expectations of me where. Surprisingly, it was me making a big deal out of nothing. The people of First English were/are wonderful people who are used to interns and their families. They welcomed us with open arms. Now, I stress over the fact that we must say good-bye in July 2014. It has been such a wonderful experience. At least for me, and I truly hope I can at least maintain contact with some of those people.

This internship that started over the summer of 2013 has sparked my interest in learning to knit. I am proud to say I have now made two prayer shawls, four scarfs, and a hat! One scarf was a actually 6 feet long and had several colors, to resemble the DR. WHO scarf. What an accomplishment! Mistakes and all, I’m still proud of what I have done. I also started sewing again, helping the ladies of the church put together quilt squares. One day I hope to make my own quilt, from start to finish.

Here it is 2014. In January Travis turned 21 and moved back to Illinois. Realistically, I don’t know who he is staying with or how he’s making it, since he has no job that I know of. Best I can do for him is to pray. I ask that those of you reading this, if you could please do the same. I am very thankful that family is nearby should he get into any real trouble. Of course that would require him to call someone, hopefully he has all the numbers. All of his belongings are still in his room, he only has his clothes and toiletries. Even his Xbox and air soft guns are still with us. So did he really move? I’m thinking garage sale!

Also in January, Becky completed high school, and started attending the local community college. In March she turned 18, and she and Doug, headed for a college campus visit at the University of WY. Upon her return she decided to apply to the college with the hope of being accepted. I am sure she will be starting in August this year. On top of all that, in June she will be leaving for CA, for an internship experience with a wonderful friend and mentor from our home church. Becky will live with her for six weeks and work at the Marine Mammal Center in Sausalito. She will return in July, and head to her ever favorite camp, Leadership Lab. I remember very clearly how much she fought going to camp in the summer of her freshman year of high school. Funny this will be her fifth year. I guess parents do know what they are talking about from time to time.

So since I left Illinois, I have had two new jobs, an internship experience, and I will be an empty nester by the end of the summer. We are also still battling issues with the short sale of our home back in Feb of 2012. I might also add, by the end of this year, Doug has to turn in his paperwork to select were he might like to take a his first call. The suggestions we give, will not guarantee anything, it’s only a wish list. Let’s hope I don’t end up in North Dakota, or Alaska. I would not be opposed to warm sunny beaches! Hello region 2!Off on my squirrel track, Region 2 encompasses California, Nevada, New Mexico and Arizona, along with Colorado and Wyoming.

Wow, after typing all that I’m exhausted. I am making it day by day. I thank God, for helping me through this time. I know, that even when I feel like I am alone, I’m not really. I do ask those of you who read this, if you could still continue to pray for our family. We still have a year of seminary left and another move in 2015. I also have to prepare to potentially leave the new job, I am truly enjoying and have potential to move up the ladder. I say potentially as this company might have the ability to transfer me to another location, but I’m not holding my breath. We just don’t know.

The uncertainty of this seminary journey, has left me with the belief that we do come through everything in HIS time. It may not be in the way I expected or the way I WANT it, but we do. I am not starving, unfortunately I have gained weight. I still have shelter, clothing, reliable transpiration and even, dare I say , new friends. I am learning to try and live for the day, not in the past or in the future. Thank you to everyone who has supported us through this time , this journey, and have prayed for us. I’m keeping my head high, my eyes focused above me. Let’s just hope I don’t trip and fall.

There is only 24 hours in a day. I like many others always want more of it, but only when it fits my needs.

This day, is a big day at Wartburg Theological Seminary. This day on February 19, 2014, the senior class is given their regional assignments, and later their senate assignments. I realize we are not in the class, but our time is fast apporaching.

I know when Doug entered Wartburg Theological Seminary in Dubuque, I could not see the end. It seemed so far away. The thought of internship, hadn’t even crossed my mind. How was I going to handle three years and potentially three moves before another move to our first call?

I was begging time to fly by. I didn’t want to make friends, and I made sure I didn’t get involve in anything that would require a social life. Time was crawling, and I couldn’t get it to move any faster. But with the help of a psychologist and a friend I made here on campus, things started to move along. Before I knew it, the friend I made had received their regional, senate assignment and then took their first call.

However, it still wasn’t moving very quickly for me. In fact during a recent visit to my psychologist, we devised a plan that would help me “count down” the days until graduation. He suggested I look at How many major holidays were left, how many summers etc. I’m sure your getting the picture.

So began my count. We have two more winters, two more springs, on more summer, on more fall. We have one more New Year celebration, one more Valentines day, two more Easter seasons, potentially two more Memorial days, one more Fourth of July, one more Labor Day, one more Halloween, One more Thanksgiving and finally one more Christmas. When you put it that way it doesn’t look so bad.

Late last summer we put up a map to try and figure out what regions to request, what senate to hope for and who might be hiring. We were told Doug’s paperwork with this information, would need to be turned in by the first week of December of 2014. During that summer of 2013, December looked so far in the future.

Today, I realize we only have 9 months to pray about it, and attempt to follow God’s lead and turn in the the paperwork with our selections. Our goal is to have our decision made by the last week of November so we are not late with the paperwork, thereby creating a new set of problems.

In just one year, I will be waiting to hear our regional assignment, senate assignment and pray for interviews with offers to follow. Now I’m asking “where did all that time go?” “Why did I waste so much of it in the begining?”

I can’t answer that, it’s still only 24 hours in a day no more, no less. It was how I chose to spend that time that is important. I cannot change the past, only work toward the future. I can tell you what I have done in those past times, some good, some not so good.

Now I find myself, still counting down the days. I’m still so in awe that Internship is over in about five months, Doug’s last year of seminary begins in six months, and his paperwork for the future just 9 months.

Time is ticking, the cuckoo-clock sounds remind me of that. One day I will look back on all this and like many other’s, share my history, smile and weep. I will also be asking for more time, but in the end, it’s all GOD’s time, and how I chose to use it, is a choice I make on my own.

Tick tock, tick tock the sound of the clock. No more time, no less time, just 24 hours………

Unleash the Beast……

Ah the holiday’s. How exciting yet frustrating it can be to find that perfect gift, for that special person in your life. You hunt, forge, and gather until Christmas day, when you can present these lovely gifts to its intended.

How we wait and prepare for that Christmas cheer. And to think, it all starts on “BLACK FRIDAY”. Okay maybe for some it begins on Thursday after the bird’s been cooked. Doesn’t matter, my point here is we shop for Christmas.

But what I didn’t realize is how ugly and scary shopping can be! Now I’m not talking about shopping for yourself cause that can be pretty scary. I’m talking about the gift giving. People can turn into some of the scariest, people on earth fighting for a deal. Who cares if you bulldoze over someone, you got to get to the “precious!” (Little Hobbit humor, the only part of the movie that freaked me out….”my precious” in that scary groggily voice over some magical ring.)

But let’s go forward. I read stories on line of people fighting at WAL-MART, the discount store, over electronics and bath towels. Really? Are they giving it away for free? I’ve heard about people lining up outside Best Buy two days before the “big” day. Again are they giving stuff away for free?

Who have we become that we fight over things that don’t sustain life? A bath towel may help you stay dry, but will it wont keep you alive. Okay maybe as a shield to get through heavy smoke, or a truncate to stop the bleeding, but come on now, old towels can do that just as well. That 55″ flat screen that takes up the whole wall isn’t going to save your life either. Nor will that new XBOX or PS4. So why do we become such ugly monsters?

Okay, so I have no real answer for that. But I don’t like what people have become. Giving a gift is great, but most of these people end up buying for themselves not getting the perfect gift for someone else. It’s sad really. I blame advertisers, marketers and greedy CEO’s. I also blame the “American Dream”, it’s all about what you own.

If you think about it, when a company can mark the price that “low”, how come prices are so high all the other times. So maybe they take a loss for the product, and hope to gain elsewhere, but I doubt it in most cases. I also happened to notice in a Black Friday ad that Kohls and Kmart were selling the same jewelry box, both on “sale”, but Kohls was actually $10.00 cheaper. I guess I’m pointing out that even “sales” can be deceiving.

I myself start Christmas shopping in July, and have very little left by Black Friday. I’m learning that sometimes the gift of a donation in someone’s name goes over much better than another sweater, or book that will be read “someday”. I find even my own list, getting smaller with each passing year. So do we still need Black Friday? Do we have to “unleash the beast”, to have a great holiday?

No we don’t. We just have to give what we can from the heart. One time I was given advice that I still try to follow today. If you must give a list, put things on the list you would never buy for yourself. I’ve also been told, to really think about the person before you give the gift. Ask yourselves these questions;

Is this gift a want or need?
How long will it remain in the intendants home?
Does it serve a purpose, or is it purpose to collect dust and cob webs.
Does the intendant really want this?
Can YOU afford to really give it?

I think the best gift of all is to love from the heart, be there for the people and let them know you think about and pray about them daily. Don’t get me wrong, I have my WISH list I am human. But the greatest gift of all is your relationship with GOD and how you share that with others.

John3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

Can your gift do that? Mine won’t, come that close. But it will come from the heart and it’s what I can afford.

My “beast was never unleashed”, something to think about this holiday gift giving season.

What happened to the Holidays?

I haven’t blogged in awhile. Not much to say I guess. Either that or I feel like I’m just complaining. Truthfully I’m not.

Anyway, I am so irritated! (Oh wait is that complaining?) I’m so sick of people posting on Facebook, how stores are opened or closed for Thanksgiving. Even if your happy or not about it.

Here’s my take on all of this. Although in the past I have fallen to shopping at midnight when the doors open, I even went shopping one evening, maybe two years ago, to Michaels after Thanksgiving was over and I was driving home. Dragged the husband and the kids too. And for what?

Long lines, okay deals that have popped up early in the year, we just all forgot about it. I have had to fight crowds, cranky people and cold weather. It’s insane!

As I get older, and with the help of our seminary journey, I’m beginning to see things differently. The deals mean nothing really. In fact most people only buy it because it’s a “deal”. We often spend more than we save. Not to mention the other stuff like loosing sleep and being cold.

Have we become so greedy that we forget that some people really cannot have off. The nurse, the ER personnel, the police officer, the correctional officers, the firemen/women. How about the people who monitor your home alarm systems or the guys on call for snow removal and salting. There’s also the guy who repairs the heater that just died while your guest were there? I’m sure I’m missing some too.

So is shopping really that important? So all those people working that shift, are not allowed to relax and enjoy their families, just so you can get a “deal”?

What happened to big family dinners, and being thankful for a roof over our heads, and food in our stomachs? thankful for clothes on our backs and even or health?

I miss big family gatherings with all my aunts, uncles and cousins. I miss bowling with my cousins as Grandma slaved away in the kitchen, to give us a great tasty meal. I miss just having a great time visiting and not worried about what to buy or how much money I just spent. I’m sure those working miss that too.

Last year due to my job, I couldn’t go home for Thanksgiving. I shared a potluck meal on campus with the community of people who couldn’t go home either. At first I was angry and jealous, after all my husband could go home and he took my daughter, which left my son and I behind. At the time my son worked for a retail company open on Thanksgiving. But you know what, I had a great meal with good people. The food selection was incredible, the laughs were plentiful and the desserts were tasty. Best yet, I had only my dishes to clean up and I walked home not having to fight traffic and enjoyed the time I had. Sure I missed the family, I’d be lying if I didn’t. I will miss them this year too. But I’m okay with that.

I’m thankful for all that I have, when some have so little or nothing. I will not shop on Thanksgiving, instead I will pray for all those who have to work and those who wished they had jobs to complain about. I will enjoy my time with my husband, son and daughter, relaxing at home eating our special meal. Now I may be guilty of going to a movie too and I’m sorry for that. After all if I didn’t go those people wouldn’t have to work. But I am human, and it’s time spent with my daughter. (See you can justify things.) Besides, I use to bowl back in the day, that’s just as bad. But no , your right those poor people had to work at the bowling alley on Thanksgiving wasn’t much fun either. However I could Wii bowl……

But we certainly can live without shopping! As a side note, please stop posting that conversation on my Facebook! Thanks!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. May you all realize how many blessings you actually have!

Galatians 6:7-8

New International Version (NIV)

7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8 Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.

I have recently come to the conclusion that the old saying “we reap what we sow”, are words to live by. It’s a shame most people don’t realize, they are the cause of many of their own problems.

I work in call center. My job is to answer calls for the client, gather appropriate information, solve it or then pass it along to the next appropriate department . Since the day I started we have had the same rules to follow.

Rules in no particular order:
1) Answer your call in a professional manner
2) assist your caller to fullest extent of the procedures
3) keep your average call handle time within 7 Mins.
4) Keep your average wrap up time to 1.50 Mins.
5) Dress appropriately
6) Be on your phone and ready to go at the time you are scheduled to work.
7) stay within your allotted break time, based on the hours you work. I.e. 10 hour shifts 40 minutes total break time.
8) calls will be live monitored and old calls will be pulled to help evaluate performance.

These are not unrealistic rules really. I have been able to meet the guidelines, as well as others. But believe it or not, many people do not adhere to them. “SHOCKER” NOT!

So for awhile my office didn’t enforce these rules. If your liked, you can play with all the rules and mold them to fit your needs. But what happens when the Client calls the office to say they are adding on another call center?

BAM! My office goes into panic mode and starts enforcing the rules. Gee maybe if you had enforced the rules in the beginning, the client wouldn’t go elsewhere. Who knows why the client did this, but they did. But back to my rant.

Rules are now being enforced, employees are being put on improvement plans and so begin the tears, rants and complaints. Seriously people you are adults! Or you should be. Things should never just be handed to you. But shame on you employer, for letting things get lax, and trying to save yourself now.

What happened to peoples work ethics? There are people who would love to have a job, but are either over qualified or under qualified for the job. Yet here, people complain that RULES now have to be followed. When did people start feeling they are entitled to “perks” and not have to have integrity anymore? What is happening to people that many have become users, abusers, complainers and lazy s.o.b.’s.

I fear for the future. What will happen when no one has work ethics and they all feel “entitled” to more. My years are numbered, if I’m luck I still have another 50 years left, but my children and grandchildren are going to be faced with some very tough issues.

All I can do is pray, and keep myself accountable for my actions. I can help mold my children and their children by setting up realistic expectation and modeling good behavior. But I wonder, if GOD just keeps asking, Why? Why, do these people not see what is ahead for them, with the actions they take today.

We really do “Reap what, we sow”. Keep that in mind as you go about your day. Oh and once again, I’m amazed, (but shouldn’t be), this is from the bible.  The bible is trying to give us a wake up call since day 1.

Galatians 6:7-8

New International Version (NIV)

7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8 Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.

It has been said that watching TV and eating is a bad thing. Mainly because you mindlessly feed your face not even realizing what you have or if it’s any good. In some case’s it’s just boredom eating. I very easily fit in that category.

Well I’m hoping to change that. First English has several programs to help Lutheran World Relief and members in their own congregation. Along with many other programs, quilts and prayer shawls are being made. Well, I’m new to sewing and don’t own a machine, so quilting is kind of out. Instead, I help piece together the quilt that someone else will sew. But its still not enough to keep these hands busy. After all I don’t have anything I can take home to work on from that.

After two weeks of camping with youths Doug asked me to learn how to make a Para cord belt. It’s a very cool looking belt that has practical purposes. While it holds up your pants, it also can be taken apart quickly to become a life saving rope. Though I don’t see Doug ever using it in that way. You can also make bracelets as well, I so love making new bracelets. Sweet, new project to keep the hands busy and pass the time. Although I only tired one day, I was not successful in making a bracelet, due to not having proper supplies. Off to a crafting store to see if I can obtain what I need.

Plus, along with the idea of the belt/bracelet, I am teaching myself to knit and working on a little crocheting. It seems the busier my hands are, the less likely I will be to eat, and can actually make practile gifts for those around me, and even myself. I hope to be making prayer shawls soon.

But keeping the hands busy, is also a way of keeping the loneliness blues away. I have been here almost two year and made a few friends. However, the closest person too me, moved leaving me to sit around most evenings. So learning new skills, keeps me from thinking about that. Much like the Mask of a clown, I smile but I’m not as happy as I could be. I am hopeful that being a part of First English will help that, if only for a year. I actually look forward to work, just so that I have someone to talk to.

I know what your all thinking, “she must be depressed again”, but truth is I’m not depressed, lonely maybe, but not depressed. So the more I keep my hands busy, the more I feel like I’m a part of something. The more I keep my mind for going places it really doesn’t need to go. It’s staying positive.

Seminary is such a transitional time. You learn a lot about yourself and learn that Good-byes are never easy, but happen often. Seminary I believe in my case, was not only for Doug to learn and lead, but for me as well. I think I know what I need to work on personally. I also am learning that “keeping up with the Jone’s” doesn’t really bring on happiness, but more greed and need. Hey that’s not to say I don’t still WANT things, but I’m learning that although want is a human emotion, it does not have to control you and become a NEED. And just because “BettyJane” got some new household gadget doesn’t mean I need it too. I’m learning to think about what I enjoy and what I will continue to use.

My tip for the day, should you want it, stop reading if you don’t……every now and then re-evaluate who you are, what you have, who you’ve become and if your truly happy. Keep those hands busy, and keep moving forward.

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty, will I be rich
Here’s what she said to me.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

When I was young, I fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows, day after day
Here’s what my sweetheart said.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

Now I have children of my own
They ask their mother, what will I be
Will I be handsome, will I be rich
I tell them tenderly.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

Kinda fitting if you really look at the words. Not knowing the future can be some what scary. Of course it can be looked upon as an adventure too. So why do we worry about it?

The end of June I was able to witness my first ordination for a friend of mine’s husband. I had not met her until this past fall, and have only known them a short time. Karen was a “God” send to me, and even though our time was short, I’m a true believer in the saying, “friends are here for a season, a reason and a lifetime. “Que Sera, Sera Whatever will be will be, the future’s not ours, to see,” the ordination was glimpse into my future.

So back to the “story”. When we entered seminary, I was totally against it. Time, prayer, support from old and new friends and family has made the time here fly by. Karen gave me the strength for the up and coming future. She’s been a great mentor and a great friend, whom I hope to stay in contact with when she’s leaves for first call in about two and half weeks. Thank goodness for technology, texting, Voxer, Skype, Facebook, etc.

Going backward I met a friend through my job before moving here. Renee was and still is my biggest cheerleader. She’s always there with a Facebook note, or text just when I need it most. Even if she doesn’t realize it or never planned it that way.

And then there is my lifetime friend, Chris. When she moved in to across the street from my childhood home, I had no idea where the friendship would go. Although Chris and I don’t talk daily or monthly, she’s always there.

One of my other blogs, I mentioned my mothers lifetime friend, and how I wished or hoped I had one as long as my mom. Well, it was Chris who reminded me that she has been there through my lifetime. She too is a great support and comfort of home, all the time.

So armed with these thoughts, my new mantra “Que Sera, Sera” and of course “Hakuna-Matata”, will lead me on this adventure called life. Although it will not always be easy, it is the future. With continued support for all those mentioned and not mentioned, life will go on.

My Husband likes to remember Dut. 29:29, I too will move forward with my eyes open but my faith in my hand. God is good, “it’s all about the love”, I’m grateful for my life.