This blog is different from my last few blogs. But I didn’t realize how much this topic bothers me.
When people ask me what my husband does, I always stop and think. Depending on who’s asking, my reply is typically, he’s a seminarian or he’s a pastor. I know, I know, I’m saying two different things depending on who I’m talking to.
Why you ask? Well if I’m at work, I cannot share that Doug’s a student. That means once he’s done we move. At least that’s what an employers might say. Why promote someone who will move in the near future? They don’t care if I’m the “bread-winner” we stay in the area. They don’t ask those questions. They just hear “leaving” whether you said it or not. That’s why I say pastor, or nothing at all.
Of course, outside of work activities, Doug is a student. No one assumes or asks questions. Okay, yes all our neighbors are too. So yes that helps. Yes, the church he interned at knew. This is how it works.
But lately, when someone asks me; “what does your husband do?”. My reply is he’s a pastor. What happens next makes me giggle, and yet sad too. The response is “you’re a pastors wife?” The last person asked “so are you like really religious?” What does that even mean?
Why yes, yes I am a pastors, (or soon to be), wife. Why is this so shocking? I don’t believe I act any differently than anyone else. I don’t dress any differently, or talk any differently than the average person. I listen to a wide range of music, I even enjoy alcoholic beverages from time to time. So tell me, what does a pastor’s wife look like? What do you envision when you think about a pastor’s wife.
Does my husband’s occupation have to define who I am or who I should be? Does a doctors wife look or act a certain way? Does an electrician, farmer or teachers wife look or act a certain way? No! So why look odd at me?
I don’t actually look religious, or act like a preachy nut job. But I do believe in God! I will partake in a bible study with you, and I will pray with you and for you, if that’s what you need. But I’m still human. I love my country music, along with pop, rock, new age, and even Christian hard rock, and Christian rock. I like my adult beverages, and “Walking Dead”, “Witches of East End”, and “the Middle” TV Shows and many more! I’m proud of my husbands choice. But seriously, I am me, just as you are you.
Now after reading this, what does a pastor’s wife look like?
Really wow. Some people are just really rude. And to be shocked you could be a pastors wife, there is nothing about that shocked me when I met you. But I did take time to get to know you and I knew you went to church regularly and were involved in the church before I ever asked about your husband so maybe it’s because they didn’t get to know you at all that they were shocked. Now of the point they asked if you were religious come on people do you think and atheist would marry a pastor? Of course you are going to have religious beliefs and you can explain them better than those asking would be able to explain their own faith as well.
Maybe an atheist would marry a pastor, if they consider it just a “job”. There are too some pastors, unfortunately, that are atheists. This was not uncommon in the past, as the position as a priest held a great status. Now I believe that this happens, when a pastor looses their faith. This is when a Pastor’s wife could be crucial to help the pastor on their own spiritual walk.
People may seem rude but so often it is that they just are not aware and then become confused on how to act. I get similar reactions when people hear of my call. If you say God is calling you, people often get this look of, “you are wacky”.
Pastors, and yes even pastors wives are assumed to be “different.” People are automatically afraid that you will impose your core beliefs on them and try and coerce them to change to what you believe (change?). They also expect a pastor and a pastor’s wife to have special “holy talents”. On a church council once, when discussing hiring a music director, someone posed the question, “Why do we need a music director? The pastors wife should play the organ.” Not even considering that the pastor’s wife never played a musical instrument. These myths have been developed over the years from traditional past circumstances and used to further peoples own agendas not even considering that pastors and their wives are normal human beings too. They are also scapegoat excuses for people not to take on responsibility in their own congregations. You’ll run into this often.